Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
You Might Also Like
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.