@good2go013

Life Tip:

Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.

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@weinerdog4life

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

@imdaintyaf

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

@girlnarly

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady iโ€™m doing my best

@JustDontBugMe

Her: Those ants are working so hard.
Me: We could learn from them.

Ant1: Humans are staring.
Ant2: Yes, they’ll spray some shit on us. Run!

@Poutymcgee

<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.

@_steamy_mac

*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

@faggrat

time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo

@Rhythms_n_Booze

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.