Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.
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When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
A disturbed lecturer
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Her: Those ants are working so hard.
Me: We could learn from them.
Ant1: Humans are staring.
Ant2: Yes, they’ll spray some shit on us. Run!
<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.
*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.