Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.