Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”