Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You are what you delete.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.