Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout