life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting