Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

🤷‍♀️

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

My sex drive has a dui

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…