Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers