Life with a cat in one tweet
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An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away