Life with a cat in one tweet
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Hear me out: WrestleVania
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Couple goals
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.