Life with a cat in one tweet
You Might Also Like
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
me irl
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
