Life with a cat in one tweet
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
181.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
🤔😂😂
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson