Life with a cat in one tweet
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.