Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Yup.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Finally! 😈
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?