Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Someone called a truck stop a trailer park today and at first I was like “idiot” but then I was like that actually makes more sense
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.