Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.