Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
There’s always that one guy
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
*gets down on one knee*
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless