Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.