Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.