Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Jokes on them. I took 10.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*