Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
phew
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My life coach traded me.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.