Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
GM✌🏻
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination