Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme