Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Is fake venison called venisn’t
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.