Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

I can fix him.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*