Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg