Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.