Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.