Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
What if the weather talks about us?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
real
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea