Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.