Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
What kind of a cult is this?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.