Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”