Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
You Might Also Like
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine