Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
synchronized noseblowing
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.