Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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Toxic snake
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.