Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.