Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

What happened to the other hiker??!

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.