Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.