Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Asking the real questions!
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?