Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“no gods no masters” = leo
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely