Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

*mops up wine with cat*

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train