Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

britain’s three elite institutions

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.