lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON