Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?