Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good