Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Don’t tell me what to do
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive