Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*