Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
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The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
This is sending me to another galaxy
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
When you don’t understand how floors work
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit