Life’s too short to have your shit together.
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee