Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot