Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.