Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

Never ghost your hitman.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.