Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am