@NoTheOtherJohn

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

- @NoTheOtherJohn

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@jordan_stratton

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

@madcaplaughs30

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

@Perilandra

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

@thepamilerin

My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@AbbyHasIssues

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@llvvzz

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@Darlainky

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

@Nicholey23

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you’re stupid.