[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.