Light as a feather, smorg as a board
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no