I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
friendship on fleek
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets
i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.