Light as a feather, smorg as a board
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*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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D
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.