Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?