Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

a lot to unpack here

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.