Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?