Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!