Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

he’ll never suspect a thing

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.