Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Yup.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

The opposite of Iceland is water water

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

At ease

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!