lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.