Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Doctors texting each other.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
This is my bus stop.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Velcrow
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.