Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If looks could kill
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
they should invent a hydrating liquor
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…