[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.