Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Meat Cute

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob